The Meaning of the Gold Star Bond

Dear Potomac Chapter Members,

I am new to the Gold Star Wives of America. As I go about my learning so that I may become a more effective advocate and activist on behalf of this organization and its members, I have noticed a reoccurring theme that I find deeply troubling—an alleged “generation gap” between older and younger Gold Star Wives.

Let me lay my cards upon the table. I am a post-9/11 widow. My husband Phillip was murdered in Iraq by a subordinate that he was trying to relieve for cause in 2005. His killer was subsequently acquitted by military court-martial. In my husband’s case, there has been no justice, no lessons learned. I believe that left unchecked, the failures here will go on to claim more lives and derail justice for others who deserve it.

There is a part of me that has felt very alone in my struggle. The fact that my husband was murdered and the fact that there was no justice often leads me to feel disconnected from other widows whose husbands died in furtherance of a cause. But I came to realize that I needed to broaden my horizons. Aspects of my case are singularly unique, but other aspects are plainly held in common with other Gold Star wives—and, with increasing frequency, Gold Star husbands. Hence the need for an organization that is home for all of us.

After all, some of our members are able to navigate the various bureaucracies that one must navigate in order to claim earned benefits. Some of our members, being further along in the grief process, can provide guidance and mentoring for those of us who are still confronted with the more raw aspects of our grief. Some of our members have expertise and experience helping children navigate their grief, and can offer insight in raising the children of our fallen loves ones to be proud, productive and happy spirits equal to the challenges life puts their way. Some of us have competency with computers, new media, or other technical or practical skills that can expand the reach of our advocacy; others possess the institutional memory of what has worked well in the past, and how it may be applied to the future.

And lastly, some of us have real needs, be they dealing with our grief, rebuilding our lives in the face of losing our husbands, raising children, or, as is the case with so many of our WWII-era members, facing the real challenges of living in the twilight of our lives.

Here, it makes absolutely no sense to put post-9/11 widows into one self-enforced ghetto and WWII, Korea, and Vietnam-era widows into another. In terms of essentials, we are all in this together.

Yet all this said, I think that there is great wisdom in the maxim “tread lightly.” For example, I often wonder if seeing a younger widow such as myself is easy for some of our older members. For some, it could very well open up old wounds that might not have fully healed, and if it did, it would certainly be an understandable reaction. We must strive to be sensitive, understanding, and always compassionate toward each other, because at root, we are all people who have suffered dearly, and I doubt that any of us would wish to add to each other’s burdens.

Because when you think about it, this is not an organization that anyone actively seeks to be a member. On a personal level, I deeply wish that I did not have to know any of you, or that you had to know me, but given the reality of our lives, I consider it an honor and privilege to know each and every one of you.

In this, I hope to both discover our common bonds, and respect our unique perspectives and special interests.

From my perspective, any talk of a “generation gap” is just a distraction from the substantive and substantial fact that each of us has lost someone precious in the service of our nation and that this singular tie binds us like no other. There should be no factions or cliques in Gold Star Wives. There should be no divided interests. “United we stand to win, divided we fall, and are forgotten” holds true, for yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I recognize that others may have their own insight upon the matter. I welcome the opportunity to hear it. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.